HONORED: The Mountain Man's Babies Read online

  I think he’s gonna push back on that, but instead, he grins like a lovesick puppy.

  “Damn right she does, and I’m a lucky bastard because of it.”

  I laugh at him, knowing that I may learn to see what he sees in that mountain, but I sure as fuck am not going to see eye to eye on with him on having some woman rule my life.

  3

  Harper pulls me into a tight hug when I arrive.

  “I’m just so glad you made it safely. It’s getting kind of late.”

  “I got turned around on the main road. You really live in the middle of nowhere.”

  I take in my cousin—the unrepentant woman, as our family calls her. She’s in skinny jeans and a loose cream-colored sweater, her toenails are painted lavender, her fingernails too. For a mother of five, she looks incredible. And it’s not just the clothes... Harper looks happy.

  “Well, I’m glad you made it OK. Let me get my shoes on and I’ll help you with the babies.”

  She follows me outside, where I open the van door. I begin unbuckling my children and as Harper takes Titus from my hands, she tells me Jaxon will be home any minute.

  I set Thomas on my hip and take Timothy’s hand.

  Walking back into the gorgeous custom cabin her husband made with his bare hands, she explains where Jaxon is. “His cousin, Ben, had some trouble tonight. He went into town to get him out of jail. Just left ten minutes ago. You probably crossed one another on the road.”

  “Trouble?”

  Harper sighs as we walk inside. “Yep, he’s hoping to convince him to stay here a while and work for us. He’s a little rough around the edges... but then again, so is Jax.”

  Her kids are all at the dining room table eating supper, and she pulls out extra high chairs for my littles. “Wanna set Titus in the swing while we eat?” she asks, already strapping Timothy in a high chair.

  I appreciate how child-proofed her house is, and I think how the house I just left is set up the same way. Between my sister-wives and I, we had eight children, all under four. Harper’s large family doesn’t intimidate me.

  Placing Titus in the swing, I try to get my bearings. Harper is already pushing me toward the table and setting a bowl of potato soup in front of me.

  “Eat. I bet you’ve been a nervous wreck all day.” She laughs bitterly. “Well, longer than a day, probably. Gosh, I can’t believe you went through with it.”

  “I had to,” I say, sinking into the chair and looking lovingly at my children sitting on either side of me at the massive hand-carved table.

  “Of course, you did, sweetie,” Harper says, handing me a basket of rolls. “I just mean it was so brave of you.”

  I shake my head. “Not gonna be so brave when Luke realizes where I’ve come.”

  “When he finds your letter, he’s going to be angry; livid—of course—but you gave him Jax’s number, and I think that’s going to be enough. He doesn’t have much to stand on.”

  “I’m just worried he’s gonna come after the babies.” I rip a roll into pieces and hand them to Thomas, before dishing a small amount of my soup in a small plastic bowl for Timothy.

  “He won’t, though, and we both know that. He starts fighting you for them and he’ll put his precious community at risk. He won’t risk it.”

  Her words are meant to comfort, but they don’t. They break my heart for my children. They will never know the love of a father. Looking around at Harper’s children, a twinge of jealousy pierces me, knowing they’ll never have the same struggle.

  And that is if we can even manage to piece a life together for ourselves.

  Right now, with my meager funds, I know we’re going to need hand-outs for a long while.

  I brush aside the tears and force myself to pick up my spoon. “I just have a lot to figure out.”

  Seeming to understand, Harper drops the topic and we focus on the kids—goodness knows there are plenty. We feed them, change them, put them in jammies, set up Pack 'n Plays for mine, and spend the next several hours settling them all in for the night. She has the kids and me in a spare bedroom downstairs, away from her family’s rooms.

  “You sure it’s enough? I thought you’d have it to yourself, but then with Ben coming in, I figured we’d give him the only extra bed.” Harper furrows her brow. “But he could always sleep on the couch.”

  “No,” I tell her, looking at my babies all settled in for the night. “This is better. I want them close to me. Besides, I’m guessing this house gets moving at the crack of dawn, I’m sure Jax’s cousin would prefer a bedroom with a door when the toddlers start banging around.”

  With the kids all down, we head back to the kitchen and I try to be useful by loading the dishwasher.”

  “Don’t worry about that,” Harper says. “I’m exhausted. Aren’t you?” She sighs, grabbing a bottle of red wine from her kitchen island.

  Harper smiles, pouring herself wine and offering some to me.

  I raise my hand, motioning no.

  “Oh, sorry. I forgot.” Harper frowns. “It feels like ages since I left the family.”

  “Well, a lot changed,” I say, adding soap to the dishwasher and starting the load. The last four years have been so confusing, starting with when Luke returned from Lord’s Will Bible College ready to convert us to his belief system. My parents were on board, and so were Harper’s. As an eighteen-year-old with no education, no money, and no way of leaving, I found myself promised to Luke, along with two other women who joined his church.

  Polygamy was just one of his new convictions. We couldn’t cut our hair, drink, swear, or question anything—or anyone. Especially him.

  “I knew Luke was a dick before, but I never thought he would start a cult. And really, the polygamy shouldn’t have surprised me as much as it did, he was always a cheat,” Harper says, swirling her glass of red. “It’s so sad, though, I haven’t heard from James since he was forced out.”

  She leads us to the massive sectional in the great room. We sit down, her in her comfortable clothing, me in my long skirt and blouse—a clean one—and I try to feel at home. The truth is, my heart is still pounding from the exhilaration of the day. I feel so lost, so alone. What I want more than anything is someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me it’s going to be okay. That I’m going to make it. I want to sink into the comfort of another person who has more figured out than I do.

  Instead of voicing any of that, though, I say, “Luke kicking your brother, James, out was the tipping point for me. I’d look at my boys and wonder what would happen to them when they grow old enough to become competition. I wanted more for them.”

  We grew up religious... but Luke’s cult isn’t about believing in something bigger than yourself, about finding grace and unconditional love—no. Luke’s cult has become something dangerous and has turned what was once a beautiful message of acceptance into something ruinous.

  “Do you want me to call you Jenna?” Harper asks. “I wondered if Honor only holds bad memories?”

  I bite my bottom lip, having already considered this. “No, Jenna is the name with bad memories. I can’t go back to being her. Jenna was weak, and I don’t want to be that girl anymore.”

  “But you were so young when Luke took you, it wasn’t weak.”

  “Maybe that’s true, but I like being Honor. It gives me something to strive toward. I want to be honorable, to be noble for my sons. I don’t know how Kind and True feel about their names, but I know how I feel about mine.”

  Harper watches me closely, as if she has a lot more she wants to say.

  “Just come out with it,” I tell her. “Honestly, what are you thinking?”

  Harper shrugs. “I’m thinking it’s crazy to keep a name that Luke gave you.”

  Maybe Harper will never understand what the last few years have been like. On the outside I’m sure she thinks all of it was bad -- but that wasn’t the case.

  “If I hadn’t gone through the last few years I wouldn’t have my boys. They a
re my world. My everything. I wouldn’t change my story if it meant I wouldn’t have them.”

  “As a mother, I understand that in theory … but aren’t you at least a little bitter?”

  I twist my lips and then shake my head. “I don’t have space in my heart for anger. I’m just grateful to have had the strength to leave.”

  “You were always way more mature than me,” Harper says smiling wistfully. “Even when we were kids-- you never got caught up in petty drama. You’ve always known who you are.”

  I raise an eyebrow, not seeing myself that way at all. I sure got caught up in Luke’s cult for longer than I’d like to admit.

  Just then the front door slams and I jump, startled. Harper’s wine sloshes from the rim of her glass, and I apologize.

  “Sorry, I just... I got...” I reach for a burp cloth on the coffee table, soaking up the wine, but Harper doesn’t seem to care in the slightest. She’s bounding across the room toward Jaxon.

  “Is he here? Is everything okay? Was the drive rough?” She bombards him with questions. I watch Jaxon shake his head slowly at his woman, wrapping an arm around her. “You were supposed to call me on your way home.”

  “Damn, woman, everything’s fine. And I did call, you just never answered your phone.”

  Harper twists her lips, and I realize I haven’t seen her look at a phone all night.

  She shrugs, gives a little laugh. “Oh. Well. I’m glad you’re safe. But where’s Ben?”

  “He’ll be here in a week. He must see the judge and wrap up some stuff in town. But he’ll be here soon enough, thank God for that.”

  He kisses her then, not noticing me a few yards away. Or maybe he does and just doesn’t care. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have a man like that, so utterly devoted to me.

  I stand awkwardly, watching the pair, my heart aching for their familiarity, their playfulness—their complete love.

  Jaxon walks over and gives me a hug too. “Glad you made it, Honor. You’re safe now.”

  I exhale, wanting so badly to believe him. Needing to believe him.

  Smiling, I tell them goodnight, thinking these two need some time alone.

  In the bedroom, I lean over the Pack ‘n Plays, kissing the heads of Timothy and Thomas. Then I reach for Titus and carry him to the queen-sized bed. Slipping under the covers, still dressed but exhausted, I pull Titus to me, holding him close to my chest, so grateful I have my children beside me. Breathing in his sweet baby smell, I will my eyes to close.

  As I try to fall asleep, I imagine a man loving me the way Jaxon loves Harper—so completely.

  It seems like a gift I’ll never receive. But I have my babies, and I’m far away from Luke, and for now that is more than enough.

  4

  “Just go,” Harper tells me. “You haven’t left the house all week. Go get yourself a cup of coffee and slice of pie at Rosie’s diner. We can manage the kids.”

  I look around Harper’s living room. It looks like a daycare threw up. Harper’s best friends, Rosie and Stella, were over all day with their kids. While it was nice to spend more time with Harper’s girlfriends, I felt myself withdraw more and more as the afternoon passed.

  I miss my sister-wives. Not in a way that would make sense to anyone else... not because they are friendly—no; they are quick to judge, sneer, and raise an eyebrow —but they are the only family I know.

  Listening to Rosie moan about her husband Buck’s dirty clothes on the bedroom floor or Stella telling us how her man Wilder is on diaper duty every day between seven p.m. and midnight, makes me think how I left my family. And sure, Harper and Jaxon are family... but they also have each other. Me? I have to figure out how to make a life for myself.

  “I should stay and clean up,” I tell her. The debris from a family dinner is all over the place. There are so many food crumbs on the floor that even Jaxon’s dog, Jameson, can’t eat them all.

  “No way,” Jaxon says, walking in with a fussing toddler in his arms. Cedar is flat out refusing to toilet train and has insisted on throwing a fit every time it’s mentioned. Precious little lamb.

  (Said no parent ever.)

  “Seriously,” Jaxon continues. “Luke is all talk right now. He’s angry, but I can tell he won’t come around here. You can have peace of mind over that.”

  Luke has been calling Jaxon almost daily, shouting at him, all the while condemning me. Jax isn’t having any of it. Last night, he told Luke that he has no problem filing a restraining order himself if Luke is gonna keep harassing him.

  “You sure?” I ask, wanting a little time to myself desperately. The picture of sitting down with a plate of pie I won’t have to share with my kids is already forming in my mind.

  Whipped cream. Cherries. Hot coffee. Flaky crust.

  That self-care that the gas station attendant was talking about.

  “We’re sure,” Harper says, taking Cedar from her husband’s arms. With him on her hip, she tells him he’ll get an M&M if he uses the potty like a big boy. “Go,” she says, shooing me away and carrying her boy down the hall to the bathroom. “And find something of mine to wear, put on some lipstick, take down your hair. It will do wonders, promise.”

  I twist my lips together debating this as Jaxon turns on a DVD for the gaggle of kids. Elmo starts babbling the ABCs and it’s obvious he can take care of the crew.

  Me? I need to go take care of myself.

  An hour later I get out of my van at Rosie’s diner. My long, wavy blond hair is loose around my shoulders, nearly to my waist, and the sundress I found in Harper’s closet flutters at my knees as I walk to the restaurant. I feel free in the way I longed to a week ago when I left.

  Free in the way I’ve longed for all my life.

  Pulling open the diner doors I see Rosie isn’t working. It’s the new girl, Josie, the one I’d heard her talking about earlier today when she laughed about being the Rosie and Josie duo at the diner. She’s beautiful, with a devil-may-care sparkle in her eye that Luke always warned against. Confident. Bright. Larger than life.

  I press my pale pink lips together and feel foolish. She’s all bright red lips, thick eyeliner, high heels—and totally confident.

  I’m in flip-flops and lip gloss and feel at more risk than I ever have before.

  But then she smiles at me, waves me in, tells me I look like a summer sunset: soft around the edges. Her compliments warm me to her instantly. Shallow, maybe, but my soul is parched for generosity, and she seems like a well, overflowing.

  “Thanks,” I tell her, taking a seat in a corner booth.

  “What can I getcha?” she asks, pen and paper at the ready.

  “Coffee. And pie.”

  “We got apple, peach, and cherry.”

  “Cherry. Please. And cream for my coffee.”

  “I’m on it.” She turns away and I sink into the vinyl seat, relishing the late summer night alone.

  She comes back over, pouring my coffee as the diner door swings open. In steps a man the likes of which I’ve never seen before. Apparently, neither has Josie because the mug she’s filling overflows with steaming coffee.

  “Dammit,” she says, flustered by the man. “I’ll clean that up, let me go grab a rag,” she tells me, headed for the kitchen and leaving me alone in the dining area with a man who dominates the room. He’s in a white t-shirt, arms covered in tattoos, and his beard makes Jaxon’s look like a teenage boy’s. His eyes are smoky gray and they land on mine.

  I bite my bottom lip, press my thighs together, and manage to contain my whimper.

  This man is more than handsome... he makes my body melt into the booth. I can’t think of a time my body responded like this to a man... certainly never with Luke. Luke could press himself inside me and all it felt like was a clammy exchange I never wanted.

  But one look at this man and my body reacts in a way I never considered before.

  Full of desire.

  A lifetime of pent up desire.

  Josie comes
in and wipes up the table, and I’d think this man would start checking her out as she bends at the waist, her tight jeans showing off her rear, her top low cut and revealing a set of breasts I’m guessing no baby has ever suckled. She looks like sex I’ve only ever dreamed about.

  But when I look at him, I realize his eyes haven’t moved off me.

  “How can I help ya?” she asks once she’s cleaned up the mess.

  “I’d like a cup of coffee. A piece of pie.”

  She smiles. “That’s what everyone’s having tonight. Decaf or regular?”

  He looks at me like we’re finishing a conversation we never started.

  “Regular,” I tell him, not even knowing why. “And cherry. Cherry pie.”

  “Perfect,” he tells Josie. “I’ll have the same.”

  Josie cocks her eyebrow between us as he walks over to my booth as if trying to understand what’s happening here.

  I’m trying to understand, myself.

  But I don’t tell him no. I don’t resist. In fact, I find myself sitting up straighter, looking him in the eye, wanting him to lead the way.

  Tonight, I wanted to be free... but in a flash, all I want to do is follow.

  Follow my heart... or at least follow the space between my legs. The space that is hot and bothered and wanting something it’s never had before.

  A real man.

  “This seat taken?” he asks, already sliding in across from me.

  I shake my head.

  “I’m Hawk,” he tells me, reaching a hand over the table.

  “I’m Honor,” I answer, taking his hand in mine. When we touch it’s electric and I know people say there’s no such thing as love at first sight but whatever this is... it’s more than a handshake.

  It feels like he’s reaching over and not just offering me water from his proverbial well like Josie had—no. Hawk reaches over and pulls me in.

  I let him.

  5

  She holds onto my hand and I pray she’ll never let go.