Homeward Read online

  He shrugs. “Yeah, I mean, I lived in Florida with James for a few years, and dated women who were the opposite of the women here.”

  I lift my eyebrows. “Isn’t that kinda a sweeping generalization?”

  “Maybe,” he jokes. Then leaning away from the toddlers, he says, “But I swear, there is something in the water here. That’s why I won’t sleep with anyone on this mountain unless I’m sure I want to have children with them.”

  “Oh yeah?” I ask, eyebrows raised.

  “Yeah,” he laughs. Then nodding toward Laila. “Be careful with that one. She has been through hell. She deserves the world.”

  I swallow, wondering if there is something between these two, but Laila just smiles warmly at Jonah, not a hint of red to her cheeks.

  “Thanks, Jonah,” she says. “You’re so good at looking out for everyone. Maybe one day you’ll meet a sweetheart of your own and can settle down.”

  James laughs. “Not if he keeps coming and going like he’s doing.”

  “Hey,” he says with a grin. “I like going to Spokane. Can’t help it.”

  “It’s not Spokane you like,” Laila laughs, wiping a baby’s face with a wet washcloth since dinner is over. “It’s Tinder.”

  The table erupts with laughter, everyone discussing Jonah’s terrible taste in women, how he always seems to date people who realize that he’s too good of a guy to say no.

  I sit back, enjoying the conversation, how everyone pitches in, takes a baby in their laps, another round of beers grabbed from the fridge. When Cherish sets a little one in my lap I look up at her in surprise.

  “What, not used to babies?”

  “Uh, not exactly,” I say honestly as I awkwardly hold the baby in my arms. “I’m an only child. Never thought about having kids myself.”

  Jonah laughs. “Then you better get off this mountain, stat.”

  Later, as we park back at the B&B, Laila grabs a blanket from the porch. “Let’s got out to the field,” she says, taking my hand. As we walk, she points out the studio apartment behind the farmhouse and the large lake being it.

  “That’s where I want to live someday. On the lake.”

  “Looks beautiful.”

  “You should see it in the daytime. Especially in the summer. Every time I look at it, I feel lighter. Which is saying something for me.”

  “Usually you feel heavy?” I ask.

  “Kind of. I guess I usually feel a weight around my shoulders. A weight I can’t shake, no matter how hard I try.”

  “What do you think it’s about?”

  She sighs. “Do you ever feel like maybe you don’t deserve good things?”

  I stop walking, pulling her to face me. “Don’t say that, Laila. You deserve the whole damn world.”

  She smiles wistfully, as if unable to believe me. God, I wish she saw herself the way I see her.

  We walk to an empty field, the sky above filled with thousands of stars. We lie on our backs, and I wrap my arm under her. I’ve been waiting for this exact moment all week.

  “What did you think of my friends?”

  “I think you’re lucky.”

  “Why’s that?” she asks.

  “James and Cherish are good people. They are real.”

  Laila laughs. “And your friends in L.A., they aren’t real?”

  “Honestly? No. Not this real.”

  Laila exhales. “I get it. I never knew people were this good, this honest and hardworking and kind before I moved here. Men who took care of their children and women who wanted to watch them take their first steps.” She hesitates. “My childhood wasn’t like that.”

  “What was it like?”

  “You want to do this, Cole? Because we don’t have to. We can kiss and fuck and let that be enough. You don’t have to --”

  I cut her off. “I want to know you, Laila.”

  “There isn’t anything good to know.”

  “I don’t want the highlight reel. Give me the non-filtered version.”

  She swallows. “I can’t, Cole. I mean, I just...”

  I stiffen. “It’s fine. I know you hardly know me.”

  “I want to ... I’m sorry ...”

  “Look, don’t be sorry. I don’t want to push you to open up. I get it, it’s hard to be real.”

  “What about you? What was your childhood like?”

  Cole presses his lips to my forehead. “My parents pushed me. Hard. To be the best. And I’m grateful, in some ways, because it made me the man I am today.”

  “But?”

  “There’s always a but, right?” I pull Laila closer and breathe in her lavender shampoo, running my hand over her bare shoulder. “But my parents died in a car crash when I was twenty. That was ten years ago, but sometimes it still feels like yesterday.”

  “I’m so sorry.”

  “They were good people, sacrificed so damn much to give me more than they had. And I know I was lucky to have their love for as long as I did.”

  “You don’t have other family?”

  I shake my head. “Not really. A distant aunt, some cousins. But not family like I saw tonight.”

  “You told Jonah you don’t want a family?”

  “I think losing my parents scared me. What if something happened to me and I had a child? Who would care for them, raise them?”

  “I get that,” Laila says. “My fear of having kids is not doing it right. That I’d screw them up. My mom was... she was awful. I never knew my dad, so what do I know about family?”

  “You think Cherish and James are crazy?” I ask her, thinking of their six children.

  “I think they are really lucky. They went through hell, and yet somehow...”

  “Somehow they are some of the happiest people I’ve ever met,” I finish.

  “Exactly.” She sighs, turning her face toward the sky. Her profile takes my breath away. Her nose is so cute, her lips so full, her cheekbones so beautiful. She is exquisite and she hasn’t the slightest idea.

  “Did you and Jonah ever...” I ask.

  Laila shakes her head. “No. He’s not my type.”

  “No?” My inflection betrays my feigned nonchalance.

  Laila laughs. “I promise, he’s not.”

  “Why is that?”

  “He’s a good guy, but still likes to play.”

  “You don’t like a guy who plays around?” I ask, rolling to my side, and pulling her to face me.

  “No. I’m not that kind of girl. I feel things deeply. I don’t take anything lightly. That’s why I...”

  “Why you wanted me to go?”

  She nods. “And even now, Cole. I can’t promise this will last longer than tonight.”

  It kills me. The idea that she isn’t sure where she wants this to go. Because I know. I want to see how far we can take this. I have a feeling it could go all the way.

  “Do we have to make decisions right now?” I ask.

  She shakes her head. “I don’t suppose we do.” A tiny smile plays on her lips.

  “Good, because I’m not ready to say goodbye.”

  “What are you ready for?” she asks.

  I pull her closer, cupping her cheek with my hand, drawing her lips to mine. “You, Laila. I’m ready for you.”

  Chapter Eight

  Laila

  When he kisses me, I feel like the beginning layers that I’ve kept wrapped so tightly around me since the day I was freed from the Badlands, are falling away. In Cole’s arms, the heaviness that always surrounds me begins to lighten.

  “I missed you, Laila,” he tells me. “It’s only been a week, but damn, I need this.”

  I run my hands over his chest, wanting it so badly too, knowing how my thoughts have been tied up in him for days and how his coming back here is exactly what I was hoping for.

  Still.

  It’s terrifying--having the one thing you want within your grasp.

  It might be easier to push it away.

  But I can’t now. Not yet. Now his l
ips are on mine, his hands in my hair, my legs are wrapping around him. This is happening. And as his hands run under my skirt, between my thighs, all I can think is, oh, thank God.

  “I missed you too, Cole,” I moan as he touches me, as his fingers slide beneath my panties, feeling my heat, my need. “Ohh,” I whimper as his fingers flutter against my folds.

  “You are so wet, baby,” he growls in my ear, his beard tickling my cheek. My back arches as he moves lower, as he pushes up my dress, slides off my panties, spreads my knees. “I need to taste you.”

  His mouth lowers to my warm cunt, and his tongue runs up and down my slit, his strong, big hands on my thighs, squeezing me like he loves to hold onto me.

  I run my hands through his hair, and then unbutton my blouse, unhooking my bra at the center clasp so my breasts can fall out. I massage my nipples; they are so hard and needy, and as Cole licks my pussy I touch my breasts more.

  “You taste so good, baby,” he tells me as he runs his thumb over my needy clit, and I moan in pleasure, knowing that this is the one thing I needed. A man’s gentle touch to open me up.

  “I want to feel you,” I tell him. “I need to touch you, Cole.”

  He looks up at me, a wry smile on his face. “Not yet.” Then he presses his mouth back to my pussy, sucking on me like he can’t help himself, and an orgasm builds at my core as he licks me, his beard tickling me as my pussy begins to drip with pleasure.

  “Girl, you are squirting all over me.” He loves it. He begins to lick me up and down with intensity, in a way that makes my skin tingle with pride. He loves the way I feel against him and it makes me melt on the blanket, makes me forget my worries and fears--my everything. At this moment I am just here, with him.

  I come, the orgasm starting at my toes and reaching my core, tears fight to escape my eyes as he gets me off in a way that is deep and real and raw.

  “Please, I need you in me, Cole,” I beg, inching myself up to sit, and Cole stands, taking off his pants. We strip to nothing together, our bare skin exposed to the light of the moon, the stars overhead, and it’s as if time has stopped. It’s just him and me here now. The sweet summer air stirs around us and Cole wraps me in his arms, and at this moment, my beating heart is his.

  He pulls me to the blanket, and I sit on his lap, wrapping my legs around him as his big, thick cock fills me up. Our foreheads press together as he enters me, and I gasp, his size glorious and making my pussy explode in pleasure.

  “Oh, Cole, you feel so good in me,” I pant as his capable hands hold me at the base of my neck, at the base of my spine, holding onto me in such a tender way that all I want right now is to make him happy. Make him come, make his cock explode so deep inside me that he never forgets the way my body feels against his.

  I rock my hips, the moment overwhelming me, and our eyes meet--locking together. We both need this. Need more. And this is everything.

  He rolls me on my back and I scream his name as he thrusts deep inside of me, breaking down the walls around my heart. My body shakes as we touch and feel and explore every inch of one another’s bodies. I kiss his neck, breathe hot air in his ear, let him take me. All of me. He comes deep inside of me and I beg him for more. More. More.

  He gives it to me. Flipping me over and squeezing my ass, wiping my cunt with the blanket then massaging my hole. “I’m gonna come in you, baby, all night long.”

  “Please, please take me.”

  He does, his thick, long cock is hard and ready as he uses my pussy juice to work my asshole and I rock on my hands and knees, needing him to fill me up in a way I’ve never wanted so badly before.

  “You sure, baby?”

  “Please,” I beg, and he begins to enter me, opening me up so intimately that tears fill my eyes. He asks if I’m okay, and I know if I said I wasn’t he would stop. When his hands hold my hips I feel like he wants me to feel as in control of this moment as he is.

  His cock moves inside me, sending shockwaves of desire through my body. I’m moaning as he takes me, my mind forgets the pain of my past and right now, right here, all I can think about is how good it feels to be touched by a man like Cole.

  I press a finger to my clit as Cole fucks me from behind, I massage my swollen bud as Cole runs his hands over my ass, planting kisses on my back. He runs a hand over my breasts, massaging my still hard nipples, causing me to get off so hard I cry out as the orgasm rushes through me.

  “Oh, God, Cole. Oh, oh, yes,” I moan. He finishes inside of me, both of us full and exhausted and spent and needing more.

  So much more.

  We fall on the blanket, panting for breath, my fingers wrapping around his still-pulsing cock, massaging his tight balls, and I want to stay here, in this moment, forever.

  The sky is a blanket of stars, stretching farther than the eye can see, and I want to bask in the glory of this night. In the beauty of Cole’s body against my own. The euphoria is written on my face, the bliss undeniable.

  “I think I fucking love you, Laila,” he says, the words an echo of the glittering stars above—they’re changing the whole night sky. Cole could do that. Change everything for me. But I’m not ready to accept that kind of devotion. My hand stills and throat goes dry.

  Love?

  He rolls over, propped up on his elbows, looking down at me.

  I don’t want to meet his eyes. Can’t meet them.

  Love?

  “I can’t do this, Cole,” I tell him, sitting up, reaching for my clothes.

  “Don’t, Laila, don’t run.”

  But I shake my head. “I’m not running. This is my home. It’s you who should go.”

  “But why? Why does it scare you?”

  “Because I don’t know you, Cole. And...” I blink back tears.

  “And what?”

  “And I promised myself I would never let a man hurt me again.”

  “So, you’ll do that by not letting a man in?”

  I nod, pulling my clothes on. “Exactly.”

  “But Laila, I mean it, I love you.”

  The pure joy that had been written on my heart only moments before is gone. “That’s not possible, Cole.”

  “Why not?”

  I move to go, knowing I need to. “Because you don’t even know me.”

  Chapter Nine

  Colton

  As I go down the hall of the B&B, opening the door to the room Laila gives me, I want to pull her in my arms and ask her to stay. Here. With me.

  “You’re sure?” I ask, knowing my question isn’t a weak one. It’s a fucking brave one.

  “I can’t, Cole, I just... can’t.” She turns to leave. Her shoulders are shaking, and I can’t understand why she would rather go when she could stay.

  It isn’t how I wanted this trip to go. Maybe I was a fucking fool to think she would see me without the fame and fortune, and want me just as I am.

  But turns out it isn’t enough for her. She wants more than I can offer and it fucking slays me. Part of me wishes I had told her exactly who I am, but I don’t want her to choose me because of my money. I want her to choose me because when she looks into my eyes she sees everything she wants.

  As I leave town the next morning --after a sleepless night in a room at the B&B-- I stop at Rosie’s Diner. Maybe it’s wrong to go there, to grasp at straws for a life that isn’t mine. Laila told me to go and so I will. But damn, it isn’t easy.

  “What can I get you, sweetie?” Rosie asks showing me to a table and offering me a menu.

  “Coffee and a slice of pie, please.”

  “What kind of pie?”

  I think back to my first conversation with Laila --about being a pie or a cake person or being both.

  “The best you got,” I tell Rosie.

  She brings me coffee and banana cream pie, a warm smile on her face. “You look worse for wear. Were you at the B&B last night?”

  I smirk. “I’m guessing people talk on this mountain just as much as they talk anywhere else?”

/>   Rosie smiles. “Well, Cherish was in here earlier this morning, she told me you had dinner with her and James last night.”

  I nod. “They’re good people.”

  “Sure are. Cherish and Laila became friends real quick after Laila moved here last year. I was so happy that they found one another, they both had been through a lot with men who didn’t treat them well.” Rosie waves her hands. “Sorry, it’s not my place to say that.”

  “No, it’s fine,” I say. “You mean with Cherish being in the cult?”

  Rosie nods. “And, you know, with Laila being in that motorcycle gang. I know a bit about it all myself. When I met Buck, my husband, I was running from the Russian mob.”

  My eyes widen. Cult. Mobs. Gangs. Before I can ask any more, a big family comes into the diner and Rosie turns to them, a wide smile on her face. “Hey, Harper, Jax. You brought your whole crew!” She turns to me. “Sorry, Cole, I’m gonna go help my other customers. Let me know if you need anything.”

  I nod, trying to process what she said. I finish my pie, wishing Laila could have let me in more, given us more of a chance. Wishing I had been someone she felt safe enough to confide in. God knows I would have been her rock if she’d let me.

  When I leave the diner, I wave on my way out. Rosie calls after me, “Don’t be a stranger.”

  I keep my head down, and get in my car, driving away from the first town that I’ve ever set foot in that felt like home.

  Back in Linesworth, I pour myself into the movie. My heart and my goddamn soul. God knows Laila doesn’t want it. Want me. She made that loud and fucking crystal clear. After getting to know Charlie and Ansel, and their brother-in-law Clive, I learn that the character I’m playing in the film, Luke, was a real stand-up guy. It makes me want to fucking nail this role because Luke’s memory deserves that.

  And since Laila told me to go; not once but twice, I decide the last thing a girl as wounded as her needs is a man forcing her into a relationship she doesn’t want.

  Damn, is that what love is? Giving up what you want for someone else?

  If it is, I don’t want love. Not real love. Not this.